Mostly Silence

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve had a very difficult past few weeks. I’ve felt like I’ve been carrying a lot on my shoulders. Usually, going home to my husband re-fills my cup so that I can come back to my work full of love and patience. He was out on business for 3 days, which mean that I didn’t sleep for 3 days. I stayed up, watching things, reading things, lying there, just thinking. It was really introspective time for me.

Last week, we visited our friends in their new home. I don’t know how we got to this topic, but somehow the fact that when I drive, I don’t like listening to anything, came up. It’s true. When I’m alone, I hardly listen to things in the car. I prefer the quiet solitude. It’s not that it’s always entirely silent. Sometimes, I start singing a new song that I’m writing. It’s how our wedding song I wrote, Stars, first got started. I just heard a little riff in my head and while driving, began to write the song in my mind. Sometimes, I make lists in my head. Sometimes, I simply think about my day, or yesterday, or tomorrow, and reflect. I like being in my own thoughts.

We visited my grandmother for Mother’s Day. She was by herself for the weekend because my parents were in LA. Going to visit her reminded me of the amounts of time in my childhood when I was with someone, and I was sharing space in silence. I would visit my grandmother’s room, sit on the bed while she was ironing clothes, and just be. The amounts of time that I just get to be are far and few nowadays. I think this is a small tragedy of my life. I wonder who I would be if I could spend more time with myself. How different would I be if I shared silent space and time with people I loved more often, not distracted by a phone or a computer or a show?

We bring things to one another’s lives. Last night, when talking about our days over dinner, I came to a realization about all those living in my house. Each of us works a job where it is literally our job to care for other people–for their behavior, for their laughter, for their academics. I think that is our job as humankind–to constantly, consistently, and lovingly continue to take care of one another. Who are you taking care of? Who is taking care of you?

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